Ask Dr. Beverlee Archive - Read Additional Past Questions
I leave in one week for the United States Army basic training.
The thing is that I can still get out of it. I didn't want to
at first. I thought it was the answer to all my problems. But
now, I've met the perfect guy. A person I've spent forever looking
for. I had a 3.9 GPA in school so I know I could go to college. I could
get a good job working with kids, which I have much experience already.
But I'm scared if I stay that I'll turn out depending on some man to
take care of me and that scares me more than getting shot in Iraq. But
I'd lose so much if I left. For example, my five year old brother starts
kindergarten this year, and my friends are getting married. It's not
going to Iraq that scares me really. It's that I don't want to make
a bad decision and screw up my life.
A meaningful and joy filled life is all about the choices we make. Whatever we choose to do must come from our own heart and mind, and that requires us to search within for our answers. Most important decisions have pros and cons as well as trade-offs when we compare them. In order to hear your own voice let go of all the other outside advisors. When you are free of the noise, your own feelings and thoughts will become clearer.
The Yin: Being in a good relationship is not the same as being
totally dependent on a boyfriend, husband, etc. You can maintain your own
life, make choices about work, college, etc and at the same time be an excellent
partner with a mate. Your independent spirit can create an excellent relationship
with another mature person.
The Yang: People who rely on you more than they should will
always exist. It is you who makes clear to them what you want to do and what
is not your job or responsibility. Don’t run away to Iraq to limit these
demands. Stay here doing what is best for you. You are entitled to a life
that brings you joy and fulfills your own goals. Take a day or two and think
about what it is that you want! Write down all your thoughts and feelings,
everything that matters to you. The road you should travel will become much
clearer. Then, I urge you to go for it!
Dear Dr. Beverlee:
Before Christmas we were asked to "dog" sit for good friends of
ours. They told us that we could just put their dog in the fence with our
dog and he would be fine. Well, that's what we did. Our dog is a Lab, and
they have a Chihuahua. We put the dogs in the fence and went out. While we
were out, our friends returned home and said they would go by and pick up
their dog. Later, we received a phone call from them saying that their dog
was not in the fence! We panicked! What could have happened! We raced home.
By the time we got there they had found out from our neighbors that their
dog had gotten out and been run over! The dog was at the vet and they could
call the next day to get him. We were so sorry that it had happened! We could
not believe it! To make a long story short, we offered to pay ½ of the
vet bill as a friend to help them out. They were upset and thought we should
pay the whole bill. We could not do this and did not feel responsible seeing
how we did as they instructed by giving their dog the same care as our own.
They said they wanted us to pay because we felt responsible not because we
wanted to as friends. This caused an argument between us and now our friendship
has ended. The dog is doing well, and he is now running around again. What
do you think should have been done? Do you think we were responsible for
their dog jumping the fence and escaping?
How can simple acts of kindness become so painful? In this situation it is expecting something and accepting nothing. Your friends expected you to assume all the responsibility for their dog’s accident. You, on the other hand, failed see (or at least in the way you wrote our letter) any responsibility and believed you were generous in offering part payment. I believe your offer to pay half was most fair, but a different issue still exists. Do we have any responsibility for an outcome when we agree to take care of a thing, a dog, a person, etc? My answer is, “Yes.” When we provide our home environment it requires us to give extra attention to the safety of the, in this case, dog. Leaving the dogs unattended was a poor idea because even dogs who are friends can still fight, panic, destroy property, or run away. Both parties are fortunate the dog did not die. (I’m a lifetime dog owner and love them dearly). Both couples entered an arrangement, and both had some responsibility for its failure. Having said this, I will also say accidents happen even with the best of care - no fault and no blame. The Yin: Rethink the situation and meet with your friends and sit in each other’s chair. Talk about the risks of the arrangement whether dogs are indoors or outside. If each of you can accept some poor decision making then the friendship may be restored. Taking a stand on principle is admirable, but both sides must expand their views to include the concepts of risk and potential harm or accidental accidents.
The Yang: Your friends were unable to accept your vet bill
offer because they did not want to acknowledge their responsibility for the
decision. They need to blame someone! Perhaps they have some hidden guilt
about this. Let the friendship go, but doggone it, leave the dog sitting
to another person next time.
Dear Dr. Beverlee:
I'm having trouble believing in anything. I don't believe
in God . . . the only thing I believe in is an afterlife. Are
there any religions out there that don't specifically believe in God?
“Not believing in anything” implies that you do not believe in yourself or anyone else. If that is true, then there is a huge lack of trust and possibly fear controlling your decisions and behavior. That is a bleak, dark place to be whether you have a belief in God or not. The Yin: Afterlife is just that – life after the one you have here and now. Think about your earthly daily life. Is there anything you enjoy? Are there people in your life who can support and respect the person you are? If the answer is no, then it is time to build a life that brings you some joy and comfort.
The Yang: Sometimes we need outside help to change directions.
There are community services which offer different kinds of support and there
are also guides with a spiritual outlook to help you regain faith in yourself
and the universe. There are many people that do not believe in God or an
organized religion, yet they feel that life on earth does have purpose and
meaning. Ask about these different groups.
I am a nineteen year old male who has been going out with his first
and current girlfriend for the past 2 months. I only see her about once every
other week. But when I am with her, we are both very, very happy. We
share our thoughts and kiss and do what boyfriends and girlfriends naturally
do. However, when we are alone and I attempt to kiss her neck, or kiss
her a bit more aggressively, she asks me to completely stop. Hours later
she will apologize. She tells me her reaction is a result of an attempted
rape on her 4 months ago. She also says I remind her of that "vicious person"
when I kiss her the way I do. She tries to ignore the similarities and cannot.
I can't just stop kissing her. We talk about it, too. I feel so disgusting
that I remind her of that person. But I love her. And she loves me. What
more can I do? Do I need to just wait it out for more months and possibly
years for her thoughts to diminish? Any help is greatly appreciated.
Rape is a horrific experience, and time is needed for your girlfriend to recover. Frequently counseling is most beneficial because rape victims can’t express their emotions or repetitive thoughts to a friend or family member. They feel shamed about the event, often blaming themselves without any just case for this blame. The Yin: Gentle affection and patient understanding of her pain are most important if you are to continue the relationship. Since you are very young and this is a new experience much can be learned about sensitivity to another’s needs and the importance of unconditional loving and caring. A man who learns caring, patience, kind acts, a light touch, an ability to read what another desires will find a special loving acceptance from his partner.
The Yang: Your girlfriend mis-spoke. You do not remind her
of that person who attempted raping her. The aggressive kissing, touching,
etc are the reminders of her attempted rape. She reenters the experience
whenever you are aggressive in your acts, even if these aggressive acts were
previously desired. At this time that is not tolerable. So as the song says
very wisely, “ Try a Little Tenderness”.
My wife and I have had problems for years, mainly concerning my
family. She just does not seem to get along with most of them. It makes
for a very uncomfortable lifestyle. We have been married for 16 years and
have two children, ages 9 and 7.
When we leave major issues unresolved, the damage over time becomes irreparable. You are dealing with the death, or dying, of your marriage. A sad story has been written for your family, sad especially since the old issues could have been negotiated during the 16 years you both have lived together and raised two children.
Blending
partners and their families always requires work and many adaptations. When
I counsel people who are preparing to marry, I mention that several people
are in the room with us - parents, grandparents, extended family members,
friends, etc. - all with their ability to greatly influence our emotions,
thinking, and behavior. It may not be too late to repair the damage in your
present marriage, but take the time to understand what part you play in this
movie. Any new relationship will be deeply affected by all that went before,
including the nine and seven-year-old children.
The Yang: Marriage in name only for “the sake of
children” is not healthy nor a good model for the future development
of your children growing into adulthood. If you divorce, the children’s
lives will change and your relationship with them will also undergo many
transformations. You will need to find ways to keep a close parental attachment,
both loving and attentive, to their needs. Since they have a “good
mother” they will maintain loyalty to her which will make acceptance
of another woman difficult. So there are always complications that divorced
parents deal with, sometimes effectively and often very poorly. The outcome
is in the hands of all the players in your movie. Counseling help will give
all of you a better chance for a successful outcome whatever life you choose.
I am 18 years old and have been with my boyfriend for 8 months now.
I really love him alot. I've been told that we're too young to be in a serious,
committed relationship, but I try not to listen because, at this point, I
really can't imagine not being with him. Our relationship had been great,
but lately we've been fighting alot, and I've been getting really upset with
him. Sometimes it's as if he has no regard for my feelings. I know he doesn't
intentionally do or say things to hurt me, but he just doesn't think before
he does these things. Sometimes I think I may come off as too dramatic or
emotional to him. But, he doesn't realize how easy it is for him to
hurt my feelings or make me cry just by saying the wrong thing or making
a hurtful remark. I don't want this to ruin our relationship because I love
him so much. I just want things to go back to the way they used to be. What
can I do?
One
of the most difficult essentials of any relationship is expectations, that
is what we expect from another in the way of behavior and feelings. Expectations
that are not fulfilled lead to disappointment. For example, you want or expect
your boyfriend to be sensitive to a particular request. He may not wish to
do this, or he may be incapable of behaving in a specific way. You may be
expecting a very young man to have more experience or understanding than
is possible at his age.
The Yang: If your boyfriend is an insensitive clod, then you
will not blend your lives in any happy way. So you will move on even though
you have experienced love with him. And you will be better off.
I have been dating my boyfriend for over 5 years now. We have
never lived together (nor do we live close to each other). Because
of our distance, mainly see each other on weekends and maybe one day throughout
the week. He has had a close relationship with his neighbor of the opposite
sex for about four years now. He has always been very evasive with me with
respect to his friendship with this woman. He never tells me what they discuss,
when they hang out, what they do, etc. The only way I can get information
out of him regarding their relationship is to ask him direct questions. Sometimes
he will answer my questions, other times he gets very defensive because he
feels as though I am interrogating him. He claims they are nothing more than
just good friends.
You
have a larger problem that trust. Let me suggest a different perspective
to your 5-year relationship. Ask yourself, “Why you have accepted for
such a long period of time an arrangement that has not been growing in depth
and emotional commitment?” Neither of you has chosen to close the distance
by being together or marrying. If you want more than this, then only you
can act on appropriate goals. If living emotionally and spatially apart suits
you, then accept the right of your boyfriend to choose whatever lifestyle
suits him, be it another relationship or not.
The Yang: “Sleepless,” you may be insecure, but go
beyond this situation. Look at your life. What do you want? How confident
are you that you can gain your goals and dreams? If the answer is you don’t
know what you want, or cannot achieve your future dreams then get some serious
counseling, individual or group therapy. You deserve a man who responds to
your needs and can give his primary relationship energy, spirit, mind, and
body to one woman. It’s been, far too long a time, to be commuting for
love.
Dear Dr. Beverlee:
I have been dating this guy for about 4 years. Sometimes things
don't go very well, but I still love him and we live together. On the other
hand, I have this guy friend who I really enjoy spending time with, and every
time I am with him I am so happy, and it makes me examine my current
relationship. My guy friend sort of has an on and off girlfriend, and sometimes
I think about leaving my boyfriend, but am afraid to take the risk. What
should I do? I am being pulled in two different directions.
Take
a risk! Actually we are always risking our self when we have an intimate,
healthy relationship. We want to share our feelings and thoughts about things
that matter, not the weather!
The Yang: What is Love? Is it not having fun? Is it not being
happy? Is it not sharing your best times together? Four years is a long time
in a relationship without full commitment. Is this possibly a habit, being
used to this life that keeps you there? Not a good reason to spend the next
4 years doing this. Imagine your life 5 years down the road. Ask yourself,
“If it were the same as it is at this time, how would I feel about
it?” If the answer is, “I want it to change,” then don’t
wait 5 years to do it.
Dear Dr. Beverlee:
I am seeking a little guidance. I am 25 years old, and I have been
in two relationships in my life. The first lasted 8 months, and the second
lasted 14 months.
Two weeks after the break up we got together for dinner. I asked
him why he felt it wouldn't go any further and he said it was "little things."
I asked for an example and he told me that, when he was home without anything
to do and I called, I would always want to do something with him. He wouldn't
get "alone" time to just do whatever he wanted to do by himself. I told him
we could work through the "space" issue, but at that point he didn't want
to. So we didn't talk to each other for a little over a week and then he
called me. He asked me how I was, how my family was, etc. I answered his
questions and asked the same questions of him. After we talked for a while
we started to say goodbye and my cell phone disconnected. Within a minute,
he called me back "to just say good night." A day went by, and I didn't hear
from him. The day after that he instant messaged me by computer to ask me
how I was doing. Now another few days have gone by and I haven't heard from
him again.
The
key to a happy, fulfilling relationship is to know who you are and to honor
that person. Give some thought to what is important to you. What are your
priorities, what are you likes, dislikes, goals, interests, etc? When you
have this understanding you may bring into your life others who compliment
and enrich your true self. These other people may be different from you,
but you will feel comfortable with them and their differences when you respect
the person you are. In healthy relationships both partners make some compromises
and adapt to the needs of the other. When one walks away from a partnership
after 14 months, and the other person seems relieved that it is over, more
than likely there are serious problems with the growth, direction, and fit
of these two people. It is, however, a wise recognition on your part to say
that your own unhappiness created the over-reactions to life events.
The Yang: Excuses, excuses, space, whatever! Move on. You are young
and have time to collect data about yourself and others while you are dating.
When the relationship is a good one, the man may be a “keeper,”
and you will not lose yourself, but you will gain your best self with him.
Dear Dr. Beverlee:
After 46 years of marriage, we seem to be drifting
apart in our interests.
All
long-term marriages experience many changes, transitions, adaptations, and
varying degrees of failed effort. What makes a difference between success
and failure in my perspective are two simple but important facts: a decision
and desire on the part of both partners to maintain the marriage, and secondly
an ability to adapt one’s own behavior to help the mate feel happier.
When relationships fall apart both of these essential things are missing.
The Yin: Can you both make a decision to create a happier life together? I suggest that each of you sit down and write what you need and want now in this 46-year-old marriage. Have no fear of sharing fantasy as well as reality because there are times when our dreams do become reality. Share your written lists with each other and then talk about what each is willing to do to create a different life. Accept all items as important, worthy of each other’s attention. Ask the question, “What is possible and what is not; in fact, is there a capacity to change patterns?” Couples always have some interests that are independent ones and others which are mutually shared. Two strong colors, red and blue – which represent each of you - are not always mixed together to become purple. It is OK to pursue independent interests. The blue plays golf, the red doesn’t. What could be a mutual goal and joy? In 46 years there must have been some. Can you and your wife refresh what is past pleasure and more importantly, discover new interests awaiting your attention?
The Yang: Intimacy is taking a risk with another being by sharing
oneself in small ways; a hug, holding a hand, a touch on a shoulder, a smile,
a card, a flower, a special night out, etc. Intimacy is possible only after
you both decide you want this marriage. Concerning sexuality, you and your
wife can be helped by a competent counselor to achieve variations in your
sexual life that will satisfy each other’s needs. One book I recommend
is Lonnie Barbach’s
For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy.
Select
carefully a highly competent counselor who is comfortable with marriage
counseling and has expertise in sexual issues. Bad counseling is worse than
no counseling. Check with a trusted physician for recommendations and choose
someone who you feel is qualified. Both of you need to be comfortable with
the counselor.
I very much like your yin and yang approach -- "There's
good news and there's bad news!" -- to giving advice. As in all things
in life, all we can do is emphasize the good and minimize the bad. My
problem -- challenge, rather -- is that I've entered a geezer-babe relationship.
There's a fogey factor of 14 years between us. I'm the geezer (68)
and she's the babe (54). I'd very much like this Johnny-Come-Lately alliance
to work for both of us, so I'd appreciate any counsel, instruction, intuition,
insight, DOs and DON'Ts you can offer on making our relationship the best
it can be, Dr. Beverlee. Thanks!
Although many differences occur between people putting their lives’ together, the least important may be age. Sharing a life is like a picnic where each of us brings different dishes to the table, knowing the different ingredients need to complement each other. If the values, standards, and beliefs about finances, intimacy, work, family, religion, leisure time, etc are very different, then each person will be pushed to accept, on a daily basis, a life style that is different and potentially unhappy. Returning to our picnic; on the other hand sitting on the warm sand on a sunny day with a cool breeze at your back you both take out the diverse packages of deliciously prepared foods that all contribute to the makings of a wonderful picnic. Isn’t life similar? The Yin: Check out your dissimilar and complementary life styles and beliefs. In what areas will you need to create compromise, and can both adapt to the differences. If the answer is yes, then enjoy the picnic, taste your new life together with hope and joy. Go for it!
The Yang: Remember Supreme Court Justice Douglas who in his
80’s had a new young bride who could not keep up with his active, vital
love of climbing and hiking in the mountains. We are what we believe we are.
It would be helpful to remember that red wines are best tasted after aging,
the whites when they are young and fresh. Put aside the “old
geezer/babe” view. Climb the mountain hand in hand, smell the fresh
air, lay out the blanket, savor the different wines of life, and enjoy a
fabulous picnic together in a bed of wild flowers.
I've recently become aware that some of my
coworkers, peers, friends and family have the perception that I am bossy.
I wasn't sure what that means, so I looked up the definiton on the Internet
in several dictionaries. I don't like what it says, and I want to change
if I can. The problem is that I really don't know what I do that makes folks
feel that way. I do know that I'm not very popular, and I don't have a large
number of friends. Seldom do any of my coworkers ask me to go to lunch with
them and few seek out my companionship socially. I reckon there must be some
merit in the 'bossy' comments. How do I change? Can you recommend some resources
or materials? I'd appreciate any suggestions.
One of the important parts of being “bossy” is the need for control. Most competent people exercise some control in matters important to them. If we try to control everything and everyone then people think us as “bossy” and shy away. No one enjoys being micromanaged or told what to do. If your manner interacting with others is at all aggressive, then the response will be even more severe in rejecting you as a friend, family peer, or co-worker. There are many reasons why we develop a need to control our environment – insecurity, anxiety, lack of self worth, etc. you can find answers by committing yourself to some counseling or therapy, either individual or group.
Being more aware of your behavior allows you to make changes.
First awareness, then action. There are many books in the library and stores
about related topics. Look for books on being self-assertive, self-esteem,
control, and many titles about boss, bossy, managerial skills and styles.
Change is always possible, and you have taken the first important step by
becoming more aware of who you are.
My friend and I have been best friends for years. We have
both been through different relationships, bad ones to be exact. I
had left the city of my childhood and lived somewhere else for some years,
but we never lost contact. I called him when I found out I was pregnant,
and he was very supportive. When I returned to the city of my childhood,
we reconnected. I did not see much of him because he had a girlfriend at
the time. But now he has no girlfriend and I have no boyfriend. And
we have been spending a tremendous amout of time together. And it sounds
like he want to take our relationship to another level. But I am skeptical
because if it does not work I don't want to lose my friend. What do you
think?
What a golden opportunity you have. There is no better place
to begin a romantic, committed relationship than with a trustworthy, supportive
friend. He is someone who knows who you are at a deeper level just as you
know him. Both of you have accepted the other, warts and all.
Dear Dr. Beverlee:
My husband has the ability to communicate with the other side and
do readings for others. He has had this ability ever since his mother, who
had very strong psychic powers, passed in 1985. Recently my husband mentally
crossed over with another person, who has stronger powers then he, into the
realm of evil souls to help correct their past relationship. During this
process they were successful in correcting their past mistakes but were unable
to correct their future. My husband explained that unless he was able to
go back, we would have to find each other again in our next life even though
we were suppose to be together earlier in this lifetime. Concerned About Psychic Powers
It is a delicate balance evaluating the difference between psychic
phenomena and psychological or mental disturbance. And to make matters even
more complicated is the possibility of a change within the self from being
a psychic talent and ability to a having mental disturbance. You are very
right to be concerned with your husband’s behavior and thought process.
This is a serious spiral downward.
Dear Dr. Beverlee:
Approximately
one year ago, my boyfriend of 3 years returned to his ex-wife. He moved out
of the residence that we lived in at that time. His reconciliation lasted
for 3 months before they once again parted ways. Very recently, my ex has
expressed an interested in trying to work things out with me. He point blank
told me that he had made a terrible mistake, that he knows that what he did
to me wasn't fair, and that he did what he did because of his children. He
also went on to say that he has never loved anyone or felt such passion towards
another person as he did with me. He also mentioned that he feels very guilty.
Waiting in the Wings
One of the most difficult transitions we human beings make is
getting divorced. And an especially challenging divorce is a divorcer or
divorcee with children. The scenario for the adults is to make the decision
to divorce when there is no other love relationship to muddle the waters.
People get confused about their loyalty and feelings if they don’t make
a clean break. And, as is the case with your boyfriend, guilt often pushes
the person into trying reconciliation with the abandoned mate.
The
Yin: Your boyfriend had not emotionally accepted his divorce when he joined
you in a live-in relationship. I suspect he spent that year, “without
showing remorse for his behavior toward you,”confused about his feelings,
questioning his life, his choices, and having anxiety about his children’s
well being. All of these are totally appropriate aspects of the divorce
experience. There is rarely a black and white divorce choice, so humans seesaw
about their feelings and decisions. Relationships all have tradeoffs and
none are perfect. It is always a journey of discovery of who will be a better
fit in terms of choosing a life partner. You both must decide what will sustain
your relationship. Are there shared values, goals, attitudes and agreements
concerning children, finances, family, intimacy, and sexuality, etc.? Humor
helps. Good times and fun are wonderful but do not a long-term marriage make.
Communicate all the above, then communicate again and again.
Which
makes more sense, Yin or Yang?
Dear Dr. Beverlee:
My husband and I have been together for 10 years now, married for
6 of those 10. We started dating our senior year in high school and moved
in together right after graduation. My husband has always been the type who
would come and go as he pleased, while I would stay home and cook dinner,
save his portion and re-heat it for him when he got home late, as if I was
expected to do all of the things for him that his mother did. I've
tried many times to talk to him about this, but it always turns into a huge
fight about how I am wrong, never say anything nice to him, and I'm always
putting him down. Here we are 10 years later, and I still feel like I'm last
on his list of priorities. Confused and Fed up
The first four lines of your letter tell the story. When you
committed to married life, you created a marital agreement or contract. Even
though you did not sign on the dotted line and in fact, you may not have
realized consciously what that agreement was and is. From the beginning he
had rights to “come and go as he pleased” and you had responsibility
for the home, for care of his needs, and for your own needs. Nothing changed
as your family grew. His partying with his buddies, refusing to be responsible,
and with fights now and again as you express your anger has been accepted
by you. As you add more and more to your plate, including a new child, he
continues to refuse the shared duties.
My best wishes,
Dear Dr. Beverlee:
Both my husband and myself are in a second marriage. I have no children,
but he has one daughter from a previous marriage who is 27 years old and
was just married. He made out his will and left me his property (which belonged
to his parents) until I die and then it goes to his daughter. Mind you, we
are not living there now, and I do not know when we will relocate. (He is
60 and I am 48). Therefore, if we move to this property, I have the option
to live there until I die or come back to my own home where I presently reside
and rent out the property. I told him I wasn't sure if I wanted to be burdened
with that, and I felt I should have the option of whether I want to sell
the place or keep it. Since he has left the property to the daughter when
I'm gone, as of now I cannot sell it. (Perhaps I'll go before him and that
will settle it.) Troubled
Life is not always fair, but it needs to be just. Your husband
obviously wants to please you, make you comfortable, and at the same time
he wants to acknowledge his family history and continuity. His parents left
their home to him and he intends to leave that house, after your death, to
his daughter. Since you both enjoyed the home as a vacation place, his generosity
of spirit to you is to enable you to continue having use of it after his
death and/or to rent it out and have an income. His decision to have his
daughter finally inherit the house is a just decision. The family memory
is probably imbedded in the house and it may be important to your husband
beyond its financial value.
Feel free to write again,
I am a 29 year old mother of 3 and have been married for 10 years. My husband just told me 2 months ago that he cheated on me 3 years ago with a stripper, letting her perform oral sex on him. He said it only happened one time, but he continued to go back to the same place at least two times after the infidelity. He stopped going when he realized this woman wanted nothing more to do with him, and the guilt of cheating was killing him. He says he wants to get past this and work out our marriage. He says that he loves me, but how do I know if he is being sincere? We have talked and cried quite a bit in the last two months, but I don't think that is enough. It helps only for moments and then passes. I do love him a lot, but I don't know if I can ever trust him again. We are going to marriage counseling, but I don't think it is working. I don't know how to forgive him or if I even want to forgive him. I think I might also be going through some sort of depression, but I don't know for sure. I don't know what reactions are normal for heartbreaking news like this. Part of me wants to move on and forgive him for this and part of me wants to hate him forever for doing this. I have written to other advice columns, but no one has emailed me back. You're my last hope. I guess my questions are, how do I forgive him for this, how do I trust him again, and how do I know I am doing the right thing by staying with him? I feel by me staying with him, I am allowing him to cheat on me, walk all over me, and do what he wants and I'll be o.k. with it and still stay with him. Should I seek individual counseling as well as marriage counseling? Please help if you can. Thank you. Heartbroken and Confused
Although you are deeply hurt, do not cry your heart out. What
I am going to say may not be a surprise. A sexual incident or affair outside
of marriage need not be destructive and may be helpful.
Feel free to write again,
Dear Dr. Beverlee: My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 8 months. He was married for the first 4 months, then moved out. The problem is that he will not introduce me to his 5 year old daughter, and does not want to tell her about us until the divorce final. I have also been having feelings that he is not being honest with me. Since he has moved out, he is having medical problems from anxiety and depression. I thought he was going to be happy, because he said the marriage was over a long time ago (he was married 15 years). He says he does not know why he is not happy. Very Confused
People who get divorced go through many stages and emotions
similar to death -- fear, anger, guilt, shame, sorrow, grieving, and finally
acceptance. It is no surprise that your boyfriend is not happy. Very
likely he is experiencing all the above stages at different times. He
has left a 15 year marriage and no longer lives with a 5 year old daughter,
and these are major losses that will require time to heal. He is protecting
his child by not sharing her with you at this time.
I send my best,
Dear Dr. Beverlee: I have been a Realtor now for over 26 years. I recently switched companies in search of a more harmonious atmosphere, but find this also to be completely unfullfilling. Nothing I do seems to work out, and I have been "spinning" my wheels literally now for several months. It just doesn't seem to work for me anymore. I have been teaching yoga (certified in August, 2001) several times a week and I do love that! I have an extraordinary overhead financially, so leaving behind the $$$$ job seems actually out of the question; however, I am very unhappy. I am torn between whether or not I should keep banging my head against a wall in real estate or trying to open a yoga teaching business. My family would suffer if I left my real estate job I am sure. Help!!! Ready for a Career Change
You are at a critical point of change, a need for transition
to more joyful, creative, and fulfilling work. Your old world real estate
career (26 years) represents economic security for you and your family. A
key part of your current life is what you refer to as extraordinary overhead,
which makes the change to a new business very difficult.
Dear Dr. Beverlee:
I am a 48 year mother living in the UAE (United Arab Emirates). Sleepless Nights
The Yang: no parent wishes to see a child struggle and we want life to provide a positive enriching experience. Your son has left, what appears to be, a stable, loving family environment and, appropriately, at age 20 is finding his way in the real world with all its challenges and problems. His growth and development as a man will require him to use all his resources in adapting to the difficult world we all are facing. From your description he has a good foundation to make the transition from family nest to the large complex world around him. And we as parents, as difficult as it might be for us, need to allow that solo journey to take place.
Having
said this, there are some specific elements to discuss. Dr. Beverlee
I have a 3 year old who seems to have really bad tantrums, especially when he sees kids with other toys. He always has toys with him everywhere he goes. He has an older brother, who is 6 years old. My son is so sweet sometimes, it's so unbelievable how he can get so hyper! The tantrums always happen around a group of people. I don't know what to do, or who to ask? A nurse friend suggested that I call a child psychologist, but I didn't call, thinking the situation would get better. Yes, he was getting better, until recently! Also he's gotten to the point of hardly eating anything I give him. I am afraid he'll get sick (ulcer), or have something worse. Troubled Mom
I am not a child psychologist, but I do have post graduate
training in Family Systems. I will share some general information,
since many specifics are unknown to me. Your 3 year old is likely
responding to some important elements within your family. He is trying
to tell you by not eating, tantrums etc. that he wants and needs something
to change. Dr. Beverlee
Dear Dr. Beverlee:
I
met this great guy in high school. We started dating, and he soon was
to graduate and go into the service. He left and soon returned, as
he had a breakdown. He came home, and I visited him at the hospital
and stood by his side. After a while he just stopped calling me. Of
course being young, my mother told me that girls don't call boys. So,
I didn't call him. It broke my heart. I heard a year later he
was to be married. The day of his wedding he put all the letters, and
everything I ever gave him, in my mailbox. Within the year he was to
be divorced, and he then visited me. We would have long talks, walks and
kissing (no sex), and he would say how great this was. Soon he starting
seeing someone else and then again married. Again he was to be divorced,
and he came back to me in the same manner. Believe it or not, he met
someone else and got re-married again. He was recently divorced (again);
however, I have decided to move on and marry. Can't Get Over Him
Let’s take reality first, the yang: the man you describe is lacking stability – the breakdown, the divorces, the lack of self esteem, the attention to you for brief periods and then seeing others, in fact marrying 3 others! The good news is he didn’t marry (and divorce) you. The yin: the myth you are living with and perhaps dreaming about is that the limited short periods of sharing, being treated nicely, walking, talking, etc. would exist with you both in a marriage. With this history you present, there has been no consistent happy relationship. Why would he be different? In fact, his brief encounters with you continually destructs as he runs off to another messy marriage/divorce. If you continue to pursue a fairytale, you will miss opportunities for a real lasting love relationship. Kind, caring, fun people do exist but you need to create a space for someone like that to enter. Right now the space is crowded with a guy who cannot keep any relationship going. Three is a crowd! “Move on and marry” is a very good idea and decision. The chapter on the “Humongous Conscious” in my book, The Day the Music Stopped: Re-enchantment of Our Lost Spirit, deals with self esteem.
My
best to you,
Dear Dr. Beverlee: My boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 months. We became exclusive about 2 months ago. For the first 6 months we were good friends. During that time, I was the free spirit type. Now, he is trying to change everything I do! One of the major things he is trying to change is my social life. I love the company of people and would go out with various people during the week. I won't delve into my past too much, but I have always enjoyed the company of men over women as friends. Now that we are exclusive, my boyfriend wants me to stop seeing anyone outside of him. As a result I am very unhappy staying home during the week alone and bored. I tell him it is unhealthy for him to expect me not to have friends. I also think there is nothing wrong with going out with males, as long as it remains platonic. He tells me I need a reality check and am being ridiculous. This issue is tearing us apart. I would not be happy staying home alone all week long. I am beginning to resent him for expecting that of me. Help!! Frustrated and Angry
You are entitled to be who you are. Relationships
fall apart when one person believes they can change another to fit their
own needs. When you were only “good friends” he accepted your free
spirit, probably even felt attracted to this socially outgoing person that
you are. Now that you have an exclusive relationship his expectations
of who you are have changed requiring you to drop all male friends. He
no longer accepts you just the way you are. The yang to understand about relationships is where there is a good fit both partners have boundaries that are respected and honored. We will always have some give and take in order to appropriately love another, but we accept and respect the person and their independent needs. Your strong healthy “I” creates a blend with another strong healthy “I”, each having their own color. Red and blue make a beautiful purple when equally and properly blended. If one washes over another with unequal blending the result is a gray, muddy blue or red. Check out all the expectations each of you has for this relationship. Family ghosts always linger here when partners become committed. The chapter on Expectations in my book The Day the Music Stopped: Re-enchantment of Our Lost Spirit would be helpful. Your library can get this book or you can order it from my website: www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com.
My best to you,
Beverlee Zell -Tamis invites you to share your thoughts, questions, and problems. She can be reached at askdrbeverlee@yahoo.com or visit her website, selfdiscoveryofspirit.com.
DISCLAIMER
Any information or advice given by Dr. Beverlee Zell-Tamis is not intended to provide an alternative to professional medical treatment or to replace the advice or services of your physician, psychotherapist, or psychiatrist, and should not be considered a diagnosis of or treatment for any specific medical or psychological condition.
Copyright © 1999-2007 E. Cassey/A Woman's Journey™
|
