One of the things that make us human is the ability to make a mistake and inadvertently create pain for someone we dearly love. Everyone is tempted at some point in time to do something less than beneficial. What may keep us from acting on it is a sense of conscience and a concern that it will cause pain to someone we love. We may override these concerns for any number of reasons.


     The Yin: This is a golden opportunity to begin a deeper communication with each other. Make an effort to understand each other’s needs, wants, life goals being met or unmet, changes in the relationship over time, directions each desires for now and the future, what is wonderful, what may be missing, and what would each like to see happen that isn’t. It is essential not to cast blame during your talks. All discussion is pointed in the right direction of making a wonderful marriage even more joyous and comfortable. When I did marriage counseling with clear marital infidelity as an issue, I always looked at what had happened in the relationship that may have prompted the affair. Both partners played different roles. Hopefully your talks together will be most helpful and a therapist guide unnecessary.


     The Yang: A wrong question…. “Where would this have gone?” A right question…. “What do we each do to satisfy the wants and needs of the other?” Trust is built over time. Your husband can only be responsible for his acts. He took that responsibility seriously it seems. The woman at the other end sounds like a disturbed person (fatal attraction pathology). After being told to stop, she persisted very inappropriately. Your husband may need to change his cell number and email address. A small price to pay for a poor choice of a cyberspace friend.

Feel free to write again.

Best Regards, Dr. Beverlee,
author of The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
Website:  www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com

     During your life you will discover new friendships compatible with your values and personality, and you will also realize that some old friends will no longer feel comfortable. It appears that your oldest friend is most reluctant to move way. As you distance yourself, she becomes more insecure and dependant. She is deeply threatened by your changes. There are some ways to approach this challenge.


     The Yin: If you want to keep some form of a relationship, then you can communicate clearly but with sensitivity. Tell her that you value all the years of friendship. Speak to her about the things you most like about her, such as loyalty, kindness, etc. After she hears this she will better hear what you want and need now, which is your space. Ask her to join you only when you invite her company. Be sure to say the distance you need is NOT because she is a bad person or that the reasons are even related to her. It is YOU who have discovered new things about yourself which require new experiences. Ask her to honor what you are requesting. Allow her to talk about her own feelings but remain steadfast in that you have your own needs.


     The Yang: A permanent break can be arranged, but think twice because it will be very painful to all. It requires you to tell her you want to leave the friendship at least for a time. Don’t call me, I’ll call you! It will produce pain, anger, and perhaps confusion. I believe the first (the Yin) is a far better way to handle the situation.

Good luck.  Write and tell me how it all goes.

Best Regards, Dr. Beverlee,
author of The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
Website:  www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com

     I am at a loss of what to do. I have tried to talk to him about it and he gets kind of defensive, which I can't blame him. I might do the same thing if it were my child. There are so many things she does, I can't list them all. I am tired of the fights between her and her dad, her and her sisters, and her and myself. I am not one to give in to kids that act like this just to get attention. I have raised my boys to be independent and respectful. I do not feel girls should be any different. That is how I was raised. I am afraid that if this continues, I am going to loose my temper and really go off on her and it is going to cause a problem between her father and I. I would appreciate any advice you may have.

At Wits End

Dear At Wits End:

        The most difficult part of a second marriage or fulltime relationship is the children!! Your mate’s decision to not date for 3 years is unusual and most likely has a relationship to the challenged he faced raising 4 girls as a single father/sole parent figure. That role takes courage, energy, and patience much beyond the typical father who defers many problems and jobs to the ever present wife/mom. Having said this does not solve the problem of a ten year old in potential crisis.


     The Yin: This child is the oldest of the 4 and she most likely took on the role of “mom” to her siblings and with dad as well. Her acts are more than attention getting. They are more likely a need to control everyone in her world. Although I do not know from your letter what happened to the mother, the fact remains she has been abandoned emotionally either by design, court order, or death of her mother. That created a child struggling to make sense of her world. She has chosen to make every effort to dominate the events and people, you included. Why wouldn’t she expect the same attention from dad that she has had for 3 years? He is now dividing his time with 5 females and his attention to you and your needs may be very threatening. The “mom” she believes she became is now fighting for her dad’s love much like a first wife fights against another female. So she thinks his love is going to disappear as her own mother did 3 years or more ago. If this description is accurate you can see how complex and challenging your role is and will be for sometime. Take a deep breathe and problem solve from a new perspective.


    The Yang:

    1: Accept the fact that her struggle to gain security emotionally is serious.

    2: Her father will need to work directly with his/her relationship giving her love, security, and boundaries concerning what is acceptable and not acceptable behavior. I believe he needs to get family counseling guidance with all 4 children. She is acting out her emotional upheaval but all 5 suffer.

    3: You have a limited role solving the problems and cannot discipline her as a girlfriend or even a stepmother. What can you do? You can continue to give her loving attention and a safe environment. It needs to be stable. Remember her poor behavior can only be dealt with by her father! With so many children, rules and boundaries need to be very clear, very consistent.

    4: Your mate may be overwhelmed and challenged as to enough time and energy to go around 9 people. Think about that alone. You also have 9 people to make comfortable including yourself. Take time to find new ways to satisfy all the competing needs. Those children who aren’t acting out also can be struggling to fit, and you and your mate won’t know this till much later. Give the families a chance to blend, patience is required. If not, then seriously consider an easier future with someone who does not have full custody of 4 young girls. It can be daunting to the best intentioned person.

You might want to show this letter to your mate.  Please feel free to write again.

Best regards,

Dr. Beverlee,
author of The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
Website:  www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com

Dear Torn:

     Getting married when you are young (age 21) can create many problems. Most obvious is that we may be growing, developing, and changing so that any choices we make will not reflect the person we become a few years later.

     The Yin: The man you married appears to be the silent type. I doubt he was very different when you dated. So it appears there is a poor fit in this relationship (although I have few facts to go on). You are holding on to him even though the marriage is over. Explore this and ask yourself some serious questions. Also, go through the divorce steps mentally, including where you will live and work. See yourself in this other unmarried life.

     The Yang: Jumping from one marriage to another in 4 years is not a wise choice. Give yourself an opportunity to live alone, to really understand what the best life choices are for you.

     Having an affair is very different from daily married life: solving problems of finances, family, social life, etc. Talk is cheap. Doing and loving require energy and commitment.

     Your husband will move on emotionally and hurt less when you make a decision – one way or the other.

    Feel free to write me again.

Best regards,

Dr. Beverlee,
author of The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
Website:  www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com

Dear Conflicted:

        The most important sentence in your letter to me is your expression of love for your husband and the words about his being a “great guy”. In 4 years you and your friend have not said “I love you” and that is very telling. At the moment you have a Captain’s Paradise with different benefits from each port. At some point damage done will be so severe that you will lose the choice you now have.

     The Yin: If you want to save your marriage, and I believe you do, you will need to put all your energy into that relationship and this means the affair needs to be ended. Affairs are always secretive and exciting but turning them into a committed relationship is not the same thing. Your marriage is at a disadvantage – it can never be as exciting as an affair. However, if you change some things your marriage can grow and bring much peace and joy.

     Perhaps a place to start is communication with your husband about his priorities and yours. Spend a great deal of time talking to each other. Find out who you both are. Age twenty-one and twenty-two are very young to be settling down and may account for the need to express yourself in another relationship. Each of you may have seriously different values and needs.

     The Yang: Guilt is your new companion. Give your marriage a fighting chance by ending the affair. If, after a time, you discover the marriage was a poor decision, you can divorce and start over with a clear conscience.

    Feel free to write me again.

Best regards,

Dr. Beverlee,
author of The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
Website:  www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com

Dear Loving Myself:

        A marriage committed to love, understanding, and above all respect is one which endures the challenges of life. Two partners each with healthy self-esteem trust in the self, and a belief that they are lovable just the way they are allows the marriage to grow and prosper. Many things are planted in this garden which brings joy and a sense of comfort. If the partners lack the qualities which nourish the garden many plants will wither and die.

     The Yin: No one can say, except you, what creates unhappiness. Take some time to develop the self within you. This self – or spirit – is capable of many creative, richer things. Sometimes guides are needed to help us leave the damage behind and move on to this person of self-worth. Check your city for all the available resources – be it a group, a lecture, or therapist, etc. Where I live there is a women’s center called Fresh Start. I volunteer time there to teach a seminar to help women gain a perspective and new choices in their lives. Perhaps you can find something similar.

     The Yang: All of us have been damaged in our past. With the right support we find our truer, worthy self. Don’t give up. A life worth living awaits you.

Feel free to write me again.

Best regards,

Dr. Beverlee,
author of The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
Website:  www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com

Dear Fearful and Tired:

     If we were to have the best possible world regarding divorce, it would be meeting our new partner at least 2 years after a legal divorce. You have become attached to a man who is not emotionally divorced from his wife. And, he may never be emotionally or legally divorced from his children if there are any. The legal divorce takes a certain amount of time; the emotional acceptance of divorce is a far more difficult process and can extend for a few years. In some relationships the partners can remain connected in anger or love as long as they are living. Having said that as general information, here are some more personal thoughts.

     The Yin: It is not uncommon for couples getting divorced to make one or more efforts to reconcile. Just remember, at one time, they chose each other for better or worse till the end of time. Your partner needs space to make his own decisions and he needs time to emotionally, fully separate. Since you are “broken and weary” give yourself some distance to renew your own life. Do those things that help you enrich the person you are. Become involved in interests and groups that can support your spirit. All around you are possibilities to re-enchant your spirit. Find them and begin to bring joy into your life and the life of your 3 children. You are endangering your spirit by becoming totally dependant on a partner’s decision. Do not focus all your time and attention on this “divorce.” Live in your own life and your stomach will likely stop churning.

     If your mate wants a second marriage when he is hardly separated from the first, it may create enough pain to destroy all the love you say exists. So tread very slowly. Two divorces are not better than one. You can change direction, create space, and begin to enjoy the days centered more on you and your children. Given some positive time and space, you will know what both partners commitment can and should be.

     The Yang: Imagine how your children deal with all the turmoil. Blending your family with him is a whole other challenge. If you decide to join you’re lives your children need much care and love as they adapt to a new parental figure. Both of you should receive guidance from library books or better yet a counselor before serious problems develop.

     You seem aware of how adults and children respond differently to the dance of divorce. One thing is constant: those adults who are strong and have a sense of self-worth create better relationships as well as a healthier blended family.

Feel free to write me again.

Best regards,

Dr. Beverlee,

          Think about anger, bitterness, deep stress, disrespect, fear, a non-loving environment – all shared on a daily basis by two adults and a child. This is surely not the marriage you wished to create or maintain. Nevertheless, here you are, feeling all the pain and maybe even remembering your own parents’ failed marriage. I cannot tell you what decision to make. What I can do is ask you to consider some important ideas.

     The Yin: I am assuming you both work different shifts because your child is in day care. Since you can control your own life, there are ways to build some bonding and joy with your son. Make a decision to accept your husband’s choice of work. Stop the fights and angry exchanges which change nothing. Reach inside for a kinder self and share this person with those around you. You will see change occur in unexpected ways.

     I had a list of 100 things to do for free in Phoenix. Compile a list in your city. It will amaze you how much fun can be had with no dollars or few dollars. Check the community events and resources. Some cities have weekend family bike rides – if yours doesn’t, start one. Or if you do not have bikes then short hikes or other outdoor activities might be available. Free transportation (bus/train/trolley) can get you to places that are free, new, and enjoyable. By doing this you will meet people who add friendship and fun. Once you reach out to new things and people you will not need your husband to provide as much attention. However, he will possibly want to join in because it is a new and positive experience. Cold and snow represent different kinds of fun. Don’t be afraid of making changes. All life is made up of transitions.

     The Yang: If divorce is the only choice you can make then prepare for a more difficult financial time. Work out all the details of living, that is, how to do this, when, where to go. Two households require more money. Make sure you examine carefully what responsibilities each of you will have. Angry divorces create a whole new set of problems and expenses. Nobody walks off into the sunset feeling wonderful. Be realistic and aware of what will be the solutions to problems. You may be the one who is responsible to solve all the life problems after divorce. Sometimes women choose divorce and do see rewards in being a single mom.

Feel free to write me again.

Best regards,

Dr. Beverlee

The Day the Music Stopped: Re-enchantment of Our Lost Spirit by Dr. Beverlee Zell-Tamis

Dr. Beverlee Zell-Tamis answers questions in her column, Ask Dr. Beverlee.  Dr. Zell-Tamis is the author of The Day The Music Stopped, Reenchantment of Our Lost Spirit.  Her unique program, targets balance, peace, authentic spirit and creativity, and draws upon her diverse experiences and training.

Beverlee Zell -Tamis invites you to share your thoughts, questions, and problems. She can be reached at askdrbeverlee@yahoo.com,  beverleesee4ever@aol.com or visit her website, selfdiscoveryofspirit.com.

Ask Dr. Beverlee - Read Past Questions
and Answers

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Any information or advice given by Dr. Beverlee Zell-Tamis is not intended to provide an alternative to professional medical treatment or to replace the advice or services of your physician, psychotherapist, or psychiatrist, and should not be considered a diagnosis of or treatment for any specific medical or psychological condition.

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