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Dr. Beverlee invites you to share your thoughts, questions, and problems.
She can be reached at
askdrbeverlee@yahoo.com,
beverleesee4ever@aol.com
or visit her website,
selfdiscoveryofspirit.com.
Ask Dr. Beverlee Archive - Read Past Questions
and Answers -
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Dear Dr. Beverlee:
My fiancé (reborn Christian) and I (agnostic Christian) have
been engaged for the past two years. We get along very well and love
each other very much. All of a sudden, about 3 weeks ago, my fiancé
decided to become a more loyal Christian. I was completely fine with that.
I fully respect him and I am proud of him.
Then out of the blue one evening he gave me an ultimatum.
He told me that I must convert 100% Christian or else our relationship
will end. This now 8 months before our wedding and after we agreed
on a date. My fiancé went and spoke to his family priest, who
said that it's okay for me to stay as I am, as long as I respect and never
degrade my fiancé on his religion, which I would never ever do. But
my fiancé still says that I must convert full heartedly in 8 months.
And I am trying and really looking into it. But I feel that it
is very unfair, and I'm feeling terribly pressured. I can't find someone
who can tell me exactly, can we still marry as we are or can we really not
get married until I am fully Christian? I don't want to speak to a
priest my self. I'm not very comfortable in that sort of situation with questions
and so on. I just need to know now has the last four years we've together
a complete waste of time. Through everything we've been together, it seems
my feelings and thoughts weren't considered at all. PLEASE HELP!!
It's breaking my heart. I don't want to lose the man that I love.
Heartbroken
Dear Heartbroken:
You said
it all when you wrote me that “when your fiancé made a decision
for himself you were fine with it and respected him and his wishes.”
And that is exactly the opposite of what your fiancé is able to do
with you as his loving partner and an independent person. He has given you
an ultimatum to make a choice between your own integrity, beliefs, and comfort
of feelings, or marriage to him. The priest he spoke with, being a tolerant
wiser human, said you could each have respect for the other’s beliefs
and still maintain a loving relationship. Absolutely so!! Your fiancé
has chosen a path which can affect every part of your life together. Think
of how you will be impacted by being told who you MUST be in many aspects
of your life.
The Yin: It is strange that after 2 or more years of
a relationship and a date to marry that you are confronted with such a severe
ultimatum. Where is the respect, care of your feelings, concern for the way
you both blend together – not as a clone – but as two intelligent
human beings? Did he not express these before or where the signs there all
along? Ask yourself, “Has he changed?” Ask him, “Why is there
a significant difference in his behavior in these last weeks?” Is he
afraid of getting married, setting up impediments to marriage?
In other words, where is all this coming from? 100% Christian
is to love and respect another for who they are, not what we force upon them.
The Yang: I don’t believe we can study to be charitable,
respectful, loving, a brother’s keeper, and tolerant of others’
beliefs and values. As an adult we are capable of these Christian values
or we are not.
You are in much confusion and pain. Share this letter
and communicate directly with your fiancé about your thoughts and
concerns. My guess is that each of you will gain very important information,
better shared now!
I would like you to feel free to write again. Let me
know how you resolved this serious problem.
Best Regards,
Dr. Beverlee,
author of
The
Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
Website:
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com
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Dr.
Beverlee Zell-Tamis answers questions in her column, Ask Dr.
Beverlee.
Dr.
Zell-Tamis is the author of
The
Day The Music Stopped, Reenchantment of Our Lost Spirit. Her
unique program, targets balance, peace, authentic spirit and creativity,
and draws upon her diverse experiences and training.
Beverlee Zell -Tamis invites
you to share your thoughts, questions, and problems. She can be reached at
askdrbeverlee@yahoo.com,
beverleesee4ever@aol.com
or visit her website,
selfdiscoveryofspirit.com.
Ask Dr. Beverlee
- Read Past Questions
and Answers
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information or advice given by Dr. Beverlee Zell-Tamis is not intended to
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advice or services of your physician, psychotherapist, or psychiatrist, and
should not be considered a diagnosis of or treatment for any specific medical
or psychological condition.
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