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This morning I awakened to the alarm which is rarely set in our house. I moved around a little and having drank a lot of water the previous night felt the need to get up and head for the bathroom. Instantly, and without any forethought, a sense of gratitude swept over me. "I am so lucky I can get up and walk to the bathroom." As quickly as the thought came so did an image from almost thirty years ago. I was a young health care aide in a nursing home and one of our patients was a twenty-something woman, paralysed from the chest down. I saw her lying still, a bedpan nearby and as I remembered I was overcome with emotion. "I am so lucky I can get up and walk to the bathroom." I haven't thought of her in years but in this moment she is before my eyes and very real. Her long black hair falls over her eyes and a twisted hand pushes it back. Her eyes flash and her broad smile reveals the beauty that pulls me away from the long, lean body strapped into the chair. She is anxious and waiting for the arrival of her two small boys who will spend some time visiting with her. She and their father were separated at the time of the accident and their visits with her are overwhelming. She misses them so much and can do so little with them when they come to see her. The details of her accident are irrelevant now. All that's left is loss. Sometimes she would show me pictures of herself standing tall and elegant, looking every inch a stunning model. How could I at the time, a teenager barely exposed to adult life, possibly know what it was like for her to lie helplessly waiting for assistance. She would struggle to feed herself, brush her thick hair and do simple tasks that I took for granted. How could I know that nearly thirty years later her face and her energy would come to me across the expanse of the universe to remind me once again to be grateful for something as "normal" as walking? I'm sure I learned life lessons from her. My grandmother used to say "There, but for the grace of God, go you and I." Maybe the gratitude I feel is because I pitied her so much. I'm somewhat ashamed to admit that I am grateful my life plan didn't include what hers did. Then again, perhaps somewhere long before we both incarnated, the spirit of this beautiful woman agreed to be part of my life to help remind me that nothing is for sure and even good people have bad things happen to them. Maybe she will always be the loving spirit who chose a life of "dis"ability to help me overcome the emotional and psychological "dis"abilities I place in front of myself every day. Maybe, just maybe, I am the one who has lived a life crippled with always wanting more than what I had, more than what I needed. Maybe at this moment as I struggle once again with the same self imposed limitations I have dealt with for years there is a message quietly slipping towards me across the waves of time. I can see her shining eyes laughing with me, see the tears of joy on our faces and feel the warmth of her awkward hug as I lift myself from the rut of immobility and take flight. Thank you sweet friend. You are forever an angel to me. (Ms.) Daryl Clarke, January 2001, The Healing Rock Retreat 417 Eagle Road Tobermory, Ontario N0H 2R0 Phone: 519-596-2271 Fax: 519-596-2385 Email: tsw@spiritedwoman.com Web Site: www.spiritedwoman.com |
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